Monday, August 3, 2009

Looking for an Answer

It has happened and more than once, that something pursued so religiously has evaded me for such a long time. A certain notion about peace of mind is not a novel act, in a legion where there is scarcely time enough to collect the pieces of the torn, distraught mind. Happens to me, happens to a lot many. Life might be technicolour, but then the set of hues in it are limited. Everyone has a palette with a different mix, sometimes hugely unique, and not so much the other times. Every Prince and every Pauper is in this search. Search for the answers. Nothing can be more tormenting than not being able to define oneself. One has often heard in his own head or on the lips of others unfinished queries like, Why?? Who...? What is the meaning of..???

Life is a bitch, they say. For sure. But then, pet it well, and it might just become a most faithful accomplish. Cutting the crap I come to myself. The world is an enormous place and I am the best case study possible for me. Lately, it felt like something was stuck inside, wanted to come out and could not find a way. Something very earthy and material. It actually was so. Baggage is what I call it. A variety of it. Physical, emotional, material…it was all inside me. Still is probably, but in lesser quantities. In a long time I feel my shoulders ease and relax. The work pressure at this place is unbelievable and the funny thing is my Dean is just so proud of the fact. It has been more than a year of blind running, a frenzy of exams that don’t matter, meaningless socializing and fake bonds. One has to work through all this and make the best out of what is in one's hands. All chords to my home were snapped (or nearly so), a long time back. The obnoxious obligatory phone calls and distant caring smothered whatever was left. I heard people around talking, craving, longing for home, jumping at the thought of going there. It filled me with certain emptiness. Home is where the heart is, and my heart was lost in this maze of dull, stagnant system. Couldn’t see a way. Being on my own was the only option. I chose not to complain.

You may not complain, but you cannot ignore. The call of the inner self beckons everyone. Trapped in the rat race, enjoying it and even winning, there comes a time when you begin to differentiate between the worthy and the rest. I do not abide by any set school of thought. Each one to his own philosophy. What matters is what matters at the end of the day.

Last night was my tryst with the self. Someone had recommended a film, as a must watch, so forcefully that I had been scared to watch it lest I shouldn’t find it equally engaging. I shouldn’t have lost time. However, I think I watched it at the right time. Into the Wild is a two odd year old film and though I have the soundtrack by heart, I never took the trouble to watch it. Anyways, enough of background business. The film was a reality check. It spoke measures about the quest for truth. Like everything else, truth too is hidden somewhere, but somewhere within one’s self. We leap from continent to continent, change jobs, change people around, and restructure lives just to reach it. It is a common quest though everyone coins a different term for it. For me it is a state of being where my mind and body are in harmony, where I am healthy and happy, where the needs stop being a concern (which can either be when I am satiated or when I do not feel the need to be so). Alexander Super-tramp had a way. He walked on the path that completed him, that fulfilled his soul’s craving. A lot of things went into making him think the way he did. His childhood and his background made him what he was. This along with his sense of identity or the need of it. His graduation research topics, his taste in literature speak volumes about the person he was. A kindred soul with generosity as his wealth and ultimate freedom as his mission. That was his truth. His is a tale of adventure, of myriad happenings and umpteen realizations. His life was his choice. He had spent a considerable part of himself and his time to fuel his parents’ ambitions. He did not believe in them, he did not believe in the society they represented or the codes they upheld. It is a natural thing to happen. When you see your parents obsessing about certain things and a common rationality in you questions it, it whips up a storm of radical thoughts and a streak of unspoken rebellion. The same happened to me with my parents’ religious bent. Their view that ours was the supreme religious path, most rational, most scientific while the others were pagons with medieval belief system made me uneasy. Day after day the same grinding oppressed me so much that I began shunning everything related to God and religion. Till this day I abhor the idea of connecting myself with any religion in particular. I respect all and take the best from each one. Like every other thing religion too tainted itself at the hands of man. I am better away from it.

Having watched this film and having felt it all the way, I was in real danger of thinking like the character. However, the beauty lay in being otherwise. It only made me realize that everybody has a different truth. I am neither Christopher McCandless nor Alexander. I will not forsake my people and refuse repeated chances of good friendships for Alaskan woods. My identity is varied and my path to truth is different…my ‘Magic Bus’ stands somewhere else. It’s been 24 hours and nothing has been able to disturb me even remotely…maybe life is a good bitch after all.

Monday, June 8, 2009


An urban setting, the window highlights the rising and dipping outlines of the yellow high rises. The daylight succumbing to the greyish air all around. A small square room with dirty curtains. Some music on the loop. The sound of dull whistling accompaning it. Them sitting side by side against the wall- One absent mindedly typing at the keyboard, the Other looking up at the ceiling. Between the two of them a paper carrying weed precariously kept under folds. A slow droning and thump of a honey bee creeps up now and again

-Baby can you clean up??

Five Minutes later...

- Baby please clean up some stuff..
-Just a minute..

Two Minutes Later...


Takes up the piece of paper and starts cleaning...
A Minute Later

-Baby give me another sheet. This paper is too slippery.
-Baby another paper, this is too slippery.

Another Minute Later

-Baby please get it...please...please
-O.K.A.Y. Baby.

Gets up to get the newspaper...

-Baby please put on the previous track once more

Keeps typing..

-Baby, please put that track..
-Baby the music...the last track...

A few minutes past...

-Baby is the stuff ready?

Gives the cleaned stuff...

-Thankyou baby..
-What happened baby?
-Why so quiet?
-Nothing Baby...
-This is what it is...when I want to talk you have your nothingss

Plays with the cell phone..Dial up a random number..

-Hey wassup?
-Nuthing Much..Just thought I would call..
-What the fuck..There is nothing to say...I'm just irritated
-I dunno why..Just
-Okay bye...
-Yes,Yes bye. I'll get back.

Sits back against the wall...breathing hard...

Looks at the Other...Absent mindedly speaks
-Baby what's the matter?
-(Keeps breathing harder)
-(Keeps breathing harder. Clutches the long locks)
Gets up

-Baby get up..get up I it

-(starts shivering with emotion)
-Baby, stop it.
-Baby what happened? What's the matter?

Pulls the Other up. Struggles with the weight..Finally rests the other against the wall.

-What? What?
-I need to break something..Now..
-Who did you call?
-What did he say?
-What did you say?
-What happened
-(Breathing hard) Give me something to break.. Right now!!
-Okay, okay baby take this cup..But break it somewhere safe...Don't creat a blast..
-(Looks at the One) I just want to break something right now...
-(Shaking the Other up) Listen, listen come here. (Hugs)
-I..I...just want to...
-Yes, I get it baby..Now, calm down..Please

Gets the Other to sit down..
-(Voice shaking in rage) I asked half an hour back for the previous track...
-Shit..Is it that?What track was it?
-Forget it...

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Nearly a Year Later...

I find that I am extremely exhausted. I find that I am on the verge of losing a couple of friends. I find that the friends I made in the meantime do not know the true me. I find that maybe I have changed. I find that it has become uncomfortably difficult to comprehend myself, control myself and get a proper orientation. I find I am confused with the apparent relativity of things and people. I find that I waste a lot of my energy in meaningless pursuits. I find that I have no time to do what I love best. I find I have no clarity of thought. I find that I have stopped conversing with myself. I find that I have a lot of unresolved issues. I find that I have unlearnt a lot of things. I find that when I am happy others are not. I find that I can not decipher the true nature of a lot of people. I find that I have no business doing that too.I find that I am angry most of the time. I find that I have learnt to hide the anger behind smiles. I find that I can not deal with realities too much. I find that trusting is foolish. I find that nothing is final or ultimate, there always is a sequel in waiting.I find that hope is the only way to live now. I find that I complicate life unnecessarily. I find that I can not help but do it. I find that there is a huge need to talk. I find that I do not have anyone close by to do so.I find that I have learnt to scratch out names that give me nonsensical junk and an uncalled for headache. I find that I am frustrated. I find that I am ashamed to admit it.I find that I am looking for happiness like I am on a treasure hunt. I find that I am lost in layers of I don't know what.But, Yes. I find that I am lost.

Friday, November 7, 2008


Dear Blog

I promise I will be regular again. luv ya :)

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

After a long day's Moon

Sometimes I get so blurred in the super-blur, that the shape is lost. There is so much I can do with it, but the vastness and the pace chills me out. However, I found an old passion reignited. I am going to develop it further. There was a time when so much thought was distilled into a few petit words. Now, I regurgitate a big fat book a day, but where is the sense? I cannot decipher it myself, let alone them. Missing my books, my diaries, my sketcher,my pastels...every bloody thing. Missing time for myself...Stability is a long way away. Not giving up hope anyway. :)

Sunday, July 27, 2008

I know I know

Words are so rare...almost lost in the mist..yes I get to walk through the cloud...the rains are such company...I sing when alone....smiles are abundant...time passes by in a mad rush..yes I have more than enough on my hands....I so want to find my ground....grime..grit...puddles...pebbles...dry leaves...chilly winds...laughter that cuts....silly that I still try to find the old haven all the time...Just did not realise I was living it all along and left it back in a huff. Am I mean? May be...Am I a child?...Can be. dump it dump it dump it dump it. I realsied one more thing...everyone around me matter how matter with what matter with what past looks for the same things. We all look for the same things..maybe in the wrong places. Gosh!!what wouldn't I give for a roadmap..Gees.

Thursday, July 17, 2008


Beginning the third week now...learnt a lot about changes,loyality,, bone tired,can hardly see clearly, blinded with sleep,but can't sleep...test tomorrow...Thankyou God for this wonderful lesson.Hopefully won't forget ever again. Love you Lavale. :)

P.S homesick for the first time...Waiting for a break.But. whatever.Blah!!