Phew!!

Okay been long enough. Not that I didn’t realize it. Just that the monsoons have drowned whatever little zest I had. Plus these few days are flowing by just totally out of control. Have I started feeling jittery? Maybe. Change is a difficult matter. Gosh! Something is so pounding hard in my head. Need stability. All I am told is ‘get ready for a rollercoaster ride’.

So…so….uninspired,disinterested,fatigued,irritated,impatient,angry. Where is the control?? When will the sun show up? Totally fucked up,completely messed. Nearly failed. Giving up? Maybe. To all the pseudo-intellectual judgment makers.FUCK YA ALL!!! May we never cross each others’ paths. Is murder a sin? Greater sin than suicide? I need to decide.

Don’t need sweet songs any more. Have had enough. Quite enough!! Wow, since when did I start talking so straight! Just read the old diary to find nothing has changed in the base in the last three years. So why all this fuss, why run around…only to make a full circle? Does life have any meaning? Why am I being set up at this fool’s errand? At the end of the day, nothing changes..the same room, the same bed, the same me, and my shitty world. Not this time. I am not letting myself up for catastrophe. Sensitivity is suchcha, well, suchcha fucking mess. I’m not begging any more. I’m snatching what I need. That’s that.

Did I ever make fun of people neck deep in misery? Sorry. I feel it now.

P.S -I’m not even sure I am putting it up on the blog….whatever my space after all.